so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
