Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
