when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
