It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
