the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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