Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
