i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
