What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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