phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
