Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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