I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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