I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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