This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
