What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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