Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
