I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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