I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
