I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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