high people should be assigned attendants
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
