Swine flu. Run for my life!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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