Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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