Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
