There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
