And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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