her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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