I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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