First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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