My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
