New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
