my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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