just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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