Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
