do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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