Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
