Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my being single is dangerous.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
