Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
