When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Still dying that you shit outside
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
