She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
