My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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