That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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