I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
