i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
