When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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