The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
