I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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