i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
