Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Drake has all the answers
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
