my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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