im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
