Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
