he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
smell my finger.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
